I proclaim righteousness in the great assembly;

I do not seal my lips, as you know, O Lord.

I do not hide your righteousness in my heart;

I speak of your faithfulness and salvation.

I do not conceal your love and your truth from the great assembly.
(Psalm 40:9-10)

The following is a written prayer directly from my journal. I wrote it within 48 hours of my sister suddenly passing away. I had no intention of writing it here.

But then God stirred my heart, and I couldn’t keep help but tell the world how good he is. I could not help but proclaim his righteousness to the world, and the great assembly. It is sprawling and difficult reading, but it is the raw heart of a grieving young man crying out to his Father – N

But Lord. Even if you do not raise her. I will worship you.
I know that even though I will carry heartache with me for the rest of my life, I know that the blood of Jesus Christ will heal me.

Jesus, please, let justice roll on like a river, righteousness like a never ending stream! Your ways are higher than my ways. Your thoughts higher than my thoughts. Though nothing makes sense right now, even if nothing makes sense for the rest of my life, I will know that you always have a plan. That through this, no matter what the outcome, glory will come. Father, you have exalted your name and your word above all things. And Jesus, I know that this will bring glory to your name. Even if I never work out or witness how, I know that you are good and you will receive the glory.

God is good to me. God is good to my family. God is good to my sister. Your face is splendour and majesty. Your voice is rushing water, and you will not hold back your voice forever. Your eyes are flames of fire and you see straight into the depths of darkness in our hearts. Yet even in this sorrow, our bodies still remain dwelling places of the Holy Spirit. Your goodness will continue to shine out of me. I carry in my body death – the death of my sister. I might carry it to my grave. But even so, I carry it so that the life of Jesus will be proclaimed. Glory!

Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God almighty, who was and is today! Even in suffering! And who is to come! Come quickly, Oh Lord, for we wish to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. And have I not already seen it? Throughout my life I have seen your goodness, even in the depths of desolation. So even now, I know you will come good in one way or another.

Yes Jesus, if you had been here, my sister would not be dead. If your manifest presence had been there, she would not have died. But God, I know it must have hurt your heart just as much as it hurt mine. In fact, more so. You loved my sister far more than any of us ever could. So your loving purposes must have been so great, that you had to stay your hand. So I will trust that there will be maximum glory in all this. May this turn people from their sin. May there be revival from this. May there be a corporate acknowledgement of sin. May there be fathers turned back to children, and children turned back to fathers. I often prayed for the restoration of families in Adelaide. May this be the catalyst, Oh Lord.

Oh God, your mind is far greater than our intellect. Your heart loves far greater than ours. Nothing will separate us from your strong love. Your love is like the mighty ocean. Great is the Lord, and most worthy of praise, in the city of our God, his holy mountain. It is beautiful in its loftiness, the joy of the whole earth. But God, until I know for certain that she is gone. Until I hear from you to stop praying, I will continue to wait patiently for the Lord. Please Lord, make this a Psalm 40 story. I know that many are the wonders you have done.

Jesus, you are the one who is the Prince of Peace. You are the comforter, the one who makes me smile. Though I cannot even lift my lips to smile properly, I know that there will be joy from all this. There will be joy from mourning. This has been the hardest time of my life. I thought that after happened 2 years ago, I would never have such a hard time. But even back then, I knew in my heart that one day I would have to face greater hardships. And now it has happened. Oh Lord, speak to your prophet! Surely you have given me the name Nathan for a reason. You came to my Mum in a dream, to tell her to name me Nathan. And surely I have been a prophet to my brother, who has the heart of King David.

Please Lord. I need to see your face once more. Only you can heal my broken heart. Only you can heal our broken hearts. And surely you are the healer God. Surely you are. Surely you are. Surely my sister knew it when she healed our friend Joel of Crohn’s Disease. Surely Lord. Please heal our hearts. We avail our hearts to you. We avail our minds and souls to you. Jesus, we have no more strength. With my last ounce of strength, I lift up untiring arms to you. Have I not stopped praying and weeping and fasting since this all began? Surely God, you see my suffering.

Oh God , you have shown me Psalm 39 in this. You have shown me how fleeting life is. How our lives are but a mere breath. Jesus, how much more then, should we spend our days not stressing about exams, worrying about money, worrying about our futures. Should we not spend every day worshiping God and seeking your face! Surely that is the most important thing. The only worthwhile thing. Surely, this is the one thing I ask. To dwell in the courts of the Lord and see the beauty of his face. Surely Psalm 27 is the greatest thing we can have. And yet this city denies it. I deny it Lord. Jesus, bring revelation to this city. Spare this city. Open the eyes of the blind in this city!

Oh God, I will never give up. I will never give up on doing your will. For your will is good, and you are good to me. Jesus loves Nathan. Jesus loves my family.

I will proclaim this in the great assembly!  I will be a Psalm 40 man!
But Lord. Even if you do not raise her. I will worship you.